covid-19 and mental health – Our Tropical Living

Every day is another day on the battlefield at the Respiratory Hospital. Many transfers in and out of the wards as staff try to coordinate bed space to save patients who are one time okay and that same time not. Most patients go from okay to critical really quick as their bodies fight for oxygen. This is the harsh reality of Covid-19. We never know the outcome of a patient’s condition.

We try to be okay but no matter what, we do not get used to patient’s dying. Sometimes deep down we expect the death but it hits us like a surprise when it happens. I felt a dark cloud over me when my mom passed away last year because I thought, “she’s my mom, I’m a nurse, I know many doctors so why would she die” but a small piece of me knew yet I remained in denial. I have gotten used to my mom’s physical absence because I feel her spirit and presence with me every time. I started feeling a bit better but with all what’s going on at work it is hard not to feel the same way again.

We are all emotional and feel like we are having a bad day when a patients condition deteriorates. Nurses cry when patients die especially if they had just left the room to return only to find the lifeless body. Just there, unresponsive to external stimuli, peaceful and in a deep sleep. That is tough.

We cannot ponder on the patient’s death because there are other patients who need our help and are dying too but we suffer inside. Sometimes we build such a deep bond with the patient that we feel sad for weeks after their passing. Guess what, we are humans too and we have feelings too.

Constantly being exposed to dead and dying patients can cause us to either become numb, more thankful and appreciative of life and those around us or forever traumatized. Nurses go through so much that the hardship at work causes insomnia, nightmares, bitterness, soreness and depression. Sometimes we just need a break from the job because no matter how much debriefing we do as we vent to friends and family, the scar and trauma remain.

Most days nurses feel helpless on the job because the most we can do is hold a patient’s hand and give some words of encouragement. The patients become our family for the shift as we try to nurture them back to good health and we become their relatives as well. Their confidant, help, listener, motivational speaker and prayer warrior.

I have personally gotten to a really dark place because it is heartbreaking the things I face at work. Who cares? Who has our backs? Who is the shoulder to lean on as we all try to get up?

My eyes were filled with tears and my heart felt warm and smiled as my patient held my hand as we were transferring her to the Intensive Care Unit. I know that she needed the support and I was the only one available to give it to her at the time. That was a special bond and I live for these selfless moments.

Of course seeing six lifeless bodies two days in a row will affect us mentally. I find myself being so sad these days, alone even when I am in a room filled with people and no matter how I try to change my mindset, I feel stuck on how “suckish” work is. I just want to run away. So many obstacles and hurdles, it would make you question everything too. What would the world be like without nurses? Is this chosen career really worth it? Sigh 😓 what am I going to do?

Public announcement: exercise, practice good hygiene and self-care, proper hydration and ventilation and stay indoors as much as you can. Stay safe and follow the stipulated protocols.

Signed: Nurse Fontenelle MPH, BPH, RN