How should I cope, how can I move on…

That special weekend in May

Friday

Getting that call on Friday May 15^th, 2020 from my cousin saying that my mom had difficulty breathing gave me palpitations and I got an instant tummy ache. After calling my mom twice on her cell, she answered and I heard the calmness in her voice, she said she was feeling short of breath.

I told her I would call the ambulance service and she said to call them now. I was so afraid that I felt weak and the need to use the washroom because I did not want anything to happen to my mom. I forced myself to complete my tasks at work and left for the hospital near my community.

My mom was groaning and moaning when I arrived and was receiving oxygen. She had looked completely different from how I had left her that morning. She looked even more yellow, face had sunken further, her abdomen was more distended and her lower limbs more swollen.

Although in a high fowler’s position, she only felt comfortable with aid from her six pillows. After being assessed and receiving IV fluids she was sent to the main hospital. The ambulance ride was far but okay for my mom as she kept saying she felt better.

I was really worried about my mom that my insides were turning, I felt nauseated, was perspiring and thought I would have a bowel motion on myself. I tried to hide my discomfort from my mom and the emergency personnel by sniffing my shiling oil and wishing that we were already at the hospital.

Saturday

My body felt stressed as I had just worked 12 hours and had to stay at the hospital with my mom. A CT scan of the chest showed that she had bilateral pulmonary embolism (blood clot in the lungs).

By Saturday afternoon my mom was jovial and almost seemed herself. The doctor told her that she might be discharged during the week and she was so excited that she informed almost all the relatives.

Sunday into Monday

My mom grew restless on Sunday afternoon but I left her in good spirits and with her saying that she was okay and feeling better. About 5: 20 a.m. on Monday, my mom called and said she had not slept and was not feeling well. I told her to hang in there and I would be with her shortly. I was hopeful so I packed our passports and traveling essentials in case we had to leave the island urgently to seek medical assistance.

My heart felt heavy when I saw my mom. I fed her breakfast, cleaned her and tried making her feel comfortable. After my mom saw my brother at midday, it seemed like she was ready to face death. Her breathing pattern changed, she became sleepier although still restless.

During my brother’s visit, she mentioned that today was not her day and today is the day. I felt so overwhelmed, all I could have done was held her and cry. Deep inside, I knew my mom was dying. As her breathing pattern got worse, my loved ones did breathing exercises with her. I encouraged her to call on God for healing.

After 6 p.m. on Monday, I heard my mom call her deceased grandmother then saw her eyes roll back. As her body gave way, I saw her slowly release her strength. Deep inside I knew then that was it. Even as the medical team tried to resuscitate her, I prayed and believed in God for healing.

I went into a room by myself and started praying, I pleaded with God but nothing I tried brought her back. My mom tried her best to stay alive, she fought death and remained strong throughout and although she did not want to leave us, it was her time to go.

Months before

My mom developed a chronic persistent non-productive cough from January 2020 and said that she had caught the flu that was going around. My mom did a chest x-ray and everything was unremarkable. As the months went by her right lower limb became even more swollen, x-ray of the foot showed rheumatoid arthritis.

Her abdomen became distended so an abdominal ultrasound was done and showed that she had an abdominal mass. A CT scan of the abdomen and pelvis confirmed the mass. A biopsy of the abdomen was done and the result was inconclusive (the doctors were not sure of the origin of the mass).

It just seemed like whatever we tried was not working in our favor. My mom did not want any treatment in Saint Lucia so arrangements were being made for treatment overseas. The corona virus disease did not make the travel arrangements easy and she sadly passed away on the day that everything would pull through.

Constant memories

My life has changed drastically overnight and although the world keeps on going, it seems like I am stuck in the past. I still feel like my mom will walk through the door and mention my name.

When I get home I still knock on her door and sometimes enter abruptly and shout mommy. Basic things remind me of her and I want to continue making her proud. My mom gave me everything and I feel like I did not give her enough in return.

Sometimes I experience anxiety attacks where I tremble excessively, get palpitations, instant headaches, tummy ache then diarrhea. Most days I have loss of appetite, inability to sleep, go into a gaze, become spaced out and forgetful. Other days I want to destroy everything in my path and scream in my pillow.  

Unique emotions

I cry everyday not because I am worried about where you are but because I miss you and I still need you. I need your strength, I need your encouragement and I need your support. I feel like there is no one that I can speak to like I would speak to you.

I will try my best to celebrate your life because I know that your presence is with me every single moment. Some days I feel like I am doing well and say I will be strong because my mom was strong. Then seconds after I find myself crying because I know that my mom is not with me physically.

It is like who will help me separate my hair, who will be my outfit judge, who will I rush home to tell about my day and experiences. I feel numb to everything and no words can describe the pain I feel.

I cry sometimes when I hear someone call their mom because I no longer have mine. I will never truly be happy because something is always missing and that is my mom’s presence or simply hearing her voice. It is extremely painful when I think that she will not be there for the birth of my kids if I ever have, seeing me get married, own my own home and just doing things to make a parent proud.

I have cried so much that at times it is like I have no more tears. I just feel a sense of emptiness always lingering and a dark gloomy cloud overshadowing me. When I laugh I am even surprised, it is like wow I can laugh through all the hurt. My heart is so sore. Nobody can prepare you for sudden death of a loved one and words of encouragement do not make you feel better.

My everything

Mommy was my everything. My mom was super supportive and gave me encouragement in every business idea that I had. Growing up I was loved, we did not have much material assets but my mom ensured she made herself available and pushed us to succeed in everything.

She loved saying “is me that teaching you all tricks” and “if you all do not learn under me.” I thank God for giving me these 7 extra years because 7 years ago around this same time she was ill. Thank God that she did not die instantly from the blood clot so I got three days to take care of her and give her extra love. 

Following the death

My phone was a hotline. I received many calls, messages and visits. I lived in disbelief that my mom had died and went through all the stages of grief. I got agitated quickly and could not tolerate constantly having people over because my mom was a private person.

A traumatic experience

I have been living in the past, playing the image in my mind of how I saw my mom’s eyes roll back. I have seen these images from previous death of patients and in movies but to experience it first hand and when it hits home, hmm it seems unreal and unimaginable. I was really traumatized and I am still traumatized. I would do whatever it takes to bring her back, I would trade my life just to keep her alive but sadly none of these things will bring her back.

Unanswered questions

I just wish to see her where ever she is, to speak to her, know that she is doing well and that she is happy. I got to the point of “who will” who will wash my clothes, who will cook for me, who will clean the house, who will wake me during my naps even though I get irritated, who will say Reems when they have something nice to tell me, who will I call after work to ask if there’s food, who will I call to make a request for what I feel like eating, who will help me in the so many things I need help in, who will advise me and who will teach me tricks like she used to say.

I relied on my mom and I needed her when she was alive, I still need her as she is gone. No idea was ever dumb, she would caution me and supported me in everything good. She has helped me so much and taught me a lot but I was not ready to let her go and I am not ready to say good bye.

Unbelievable

When I was a child I used to cry when I envisioned you dying but for it to happen like that. Hmm I can only shake my head. Letting go is so difficult. I live every day in disbelief that my mom died, died so soon, so young and without any warning signs. It was a quick and surprising death that I will never understand.

I keep saying what if, what if I forced her to go to the hospital earlier for treatment what if I tried harder to get her to do more tests although she did all necessary tests, what if I gave her blood thinner medications daily and what if I made her do yearly checks. Then again she did not want any treatment here, was always saying she feels fine and she had no pain.

I feel a sense of regret, like I should have seen the death and like her death was my fault. In all these what ifs, I am like, I feel like and casting of blame, I realized that I would only go crazy and have a mental breakdown.

My mom’s children were her greatest joy and she loved being a mom. I believe that life continues after death and that my mom is in another stage of development. It is just challenging not knowing what exactly that stage is unless I experience it for myself- “life after death.” I worry whether my mom is okay, whether she has eaten, is she happy, is she with familiar faces, so many questions I need answers for.

Remember we must die whenever we are born and we should really be celebrating death and not birth. We do not want to fight for our space in the cemetery or the vase which will house our ashes but we are quick to fight for assets and things we claim are rightfully ours. Be humble, be kind.

Rest well mommy as you enjoy your sleep 10^th September, 1961- 18^th May, 2020. We will meet again.

Reems

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This blog post is based on my feelings and personal experience.