High standards, high maintenance or high expectations? Low standards, low maintenance or low expectations? Where do you fall and what do you expect from a relationship or friendship?
Our society encourages us to be independent that being reliant on someone seems to be a blur. You question whether you are asking too much or expecting too little.
Bare minimum
Ever went all out for people without them asking but they could not do the bare minimum for you?
You go all out for someone, treat them special, go above and beyond, exceed their expectations yet they treat you crappy and show no gratitude. You put the utmost amount of energy in whatever you do for them yet they barely recognize what you do.
They do the bare minimum for you and you see little to no effort in what they do. They treat you like an ordinary person.
You get the bare minimum of their time, commitment, emotions and effort. They offer the least amount of themselves but just enough to keep you interested.
Sometimes they do something nice and although it was required of them to do, you loved it and were overjoyed because you felt like it was a grand gesture.
You applaud a gesture that was standard and mandatory.
Interestingly, they do things with the smallest effort but do not display any bad behavior which warrants a breakup.
50-50 rule?
Do you believe in the 50-50 rule where both parties try equally in a relationship or friendship? Or do you believe that both parties need to put in more effort than each other?
Half love
Should you compromise? Should you know each other’s needs and attempt to meet some? Should you continuously try together to make things work?
Sometimes the bare minimum is acceptable and serves its purpose depending on the relationship and connection. Other times, it is not enough and should not be tolerated.
Sometimes you settle for less than what you want and you accept the bare minimum out of fear of being alone and not knowing your worth.
You get used to the bare minimum that you make excuses.
Should you wait on someone and hope that they will eventually get there, be ready and stop giving the bare minimum?
Giving maximum
You deserve someone who is all in and puts in as much effort as you do. If you give up on putting in all the effort then what is going to happen to the friendship or relationship.
Sometimes you feel undervalued and underappreciated because you know what you want, know your worth and crave more.
You resent people for how they treat you because you feel you deserve better and people’s maximum effort but you say nothing.
Truth is, you deserve growth. Someone who gives the bare minimum may not change. You will spend your entire time begging them for the basics and eventually you will get tired.
Imagine
If you go all out for people and they treat you like mediocre, imagine the lengths you will go for the people who value, appreciate and truly love you.
Some people string you along to use you and you allow your emotions to get tangled in their web. Be on the lookout!
Someone with no plan lacks direction and might end up living someone else’s life because they set no standards by which they should live. Do not let them drag you along!
Some people just show up and do nothing else, they make no plans for you and initiate nothing. They are not as invested in you as you are in them.
Sometimes you have to offer the least part of yourself to people who do not try. Rather, invest your energy into people who show effort without you even having to ask.
Fact is that there are people who do the bare minimum and give you the leftovers of what they have.
There are also people who surprise you and go above and beyond. Which are you and which do you prefer?
Call it high maintenance but it is just that you expect more than what some people are used to giving. Do not lower your standards but let them up their game!
Reems Sonson
Our Tropical Living
Come live and love island life
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Hi Ms. Reems- Nice Read. Unique name and interesting person. First of all, Love yourself first. Put most of your energy in yourself. This will cushion the disappointment of a not to perfect relationship. Fact! There are millions of people that will never have a loving relationship. They have had several in their lifetime but a never lasting, deep one. Sad but true. Fact! I studied to be an engineer, You studied to be a nurse. However, none of us learn to be a loving partner in a relationship. They do not teach that in school. Sadly, relationships are hit or miss exercises. Saying all that… From my prospective, there are too many people that do not have a purpose in life. They live their life aimlessly. So, getting or staying in a relationship is their main goal in life. Being in a relationship ( good or bad) should not consume you. Take you for example, the content that you put out is excellent in my view. You may not realize, but you have a purpose. Developing your contents on the different platforms, your nursing career, Going to the gym to stay lean, your farming , etc, etc. Do not stop what you are doing because someone cross paths with you. Only my family (some) can knock me off my routine. For me as example, I love working out (3 times a week) I play billiards (twice a week) , try to read a new book every week, go for swim ( twice a week), try you learn some new every year (Building a desktop computer is my goal) I go to bed 9:00 pm and wake up 3:30 am on week days. And I still have time to socialize. On another note, what perk my interest in a lady is what she does on her free time. Does she exercise regularly? What’s her 1 year, 3 year plan for herself? Is she planning to buy or built her house? In other words, does she have goals (purpose) ? One of my favorite sayings is “I am the cake” and the interesting people that cross my path is the “icing”. Now for my icing , if they F… up, I scrap them off, and put new icing. To recap, my advice to your reading audience is to create life goals and try hard to achieve them. If someone nice comes along, fine, if not you still achieved some of your goals. Keep up the good work 👍🏾
Thank you for the encouraging words Dan. I appreciate it. I agree that one should love themselves first. Sometimes putting most of your energy into yourself whilst in a relationship comes across as being selfish. It is true that we do not learn how to be a loving partner in school. Treating someone properly or going above and beyond for someone you love should not be that challenging if you receive the same treatment. Then again, some of us do not treat ourselves well so how can we treat someone else any better. It takes being in a relationship to know what you may want to or may not want to tolerate although some of us tend to settle with what we currently have. A relationship is like a game where you gamble- either you win or lose. You go in it with lots of uncertainty but remain hopeful that things will work out. That is good you keep an active life Dan. That is very commendable. I have heard some people say that they have no goals in life. That they are just going through life and will end up whereever they are supposed to. I love that you mentioned people should have goals. Making plans and having goals could provide direction and help keep people focused. If the plans do not work or the goals are not met then at least someone tried or got close enough. Thank you for the discussion!
Ms. Reems. I understand your point of view. Honestly, some of my friends have mentioned that they think I am a little little self- centered. Lol. I won’t deny that. There are so many variables affecting a modern relationship. In Caribbean, the first thing we do is race to have sex, and later try to really get to know each one another . Too late. My big question is : first off, Are we trying to built something special together, or we just fuck buddies trying to pretend that we are in a serious relationship. Everyone needs to evaluate their relationship and be honest with themselves. I think this will answer many of the points that you highlighted in the original blog. If someone is a fuck buddy or friend with benefits then the relationship was not built on a solid foundation, and their expectations are way way to high, and also they may be trying to change the construct midstream. late again. Most guys won’t be vested in that type relationship, watch his actions, not his words. I can go on on …….This is topic is so very thought provoking. Nice one.
I get that one needs to be all about themselves but they have to consider others too. Most times people do not say what exactly they expect from each other, what they want nor do they define the type of relationship they have. From the time people start talking to each other, they think they are together. For me personally, if someone does not ask to be a boyfriend or girlfriend nor ask to date each other then they are just friends. Nowadays people hardly really get to know each other. It is like we are rushing into relationships, starting families and later realizing we want something else and something different. Many times people go into relationships from fear of being alone, for financial stability, shelter, sex and not merely to create or build a future. They mostly focus on the now Dan. By the time they check themselves, they are old and bitter, have settled and not gotten what they want from life nor their relationships. I think it is a lot about knowing what one wants before entering a relationship to help prevent most of the relationship drama.
Exactly. That why it essential that everyone stay on their grind. 24/7 Honey attract flies! A woman on her purpose will attract a man on his purpose. And will understand her. Eventually, What would happen is they will schedule quality time for each other. BUT THEY MUST STAY ON THEIR GRIND. That’s the key. Alot of folks make wholesale changes to their lives when they get in a relationship. Mistake. That’s where the resentment starts. The individual was happy the way they lived their life. It’s important that we scope people out before going to deep in your feeling. You as an example, a love interest must give you space to grow, and should not hinder you from achieving your professional and personal goals. And vise verse.
You made some relevant points Dan. Sometimes people get so caught up with being in a relationship that they lose their identity. When the relationship falls apart, they go into severe depression because they cannot do without the person, no longer have a life of their own, have lost close friends and family and are no longer doing the things they once loved because they invested their everything into that person and the relationship. As it relates to attracting people on their purpose…sometimes people say things one wants to hear to help them grow in love with them. Relationships are tricky. People sometimes understand each other at the beginning of the relationship then it is the reverse in the middle and end. Sometimes we settle for the first person we encounter. Dating is almost not recognized in Saint Lucia. If you go out with different individuals to get to know them before you make a decision then you are called derogatory names. When people break families or become a side piece it is the same thing. Love is like a game people play. We need to scan people almost like they are an item before settling down fully. Even then when you scan people, you can never really tell the outcome because people change as circumstances change Dan.
So true. I agreed with everything you mentioned there. Like I said earlier, talk is cheap. Watch their actions. Life is not easy at all. But we can’t throw in the towel. That’s not an option. Good topic. Keep on keeping on. Bye.
Thank you Dan. Take care.
Most of the time we settle for bare minimum because of self esteem issues and the fear of being alone. However in order to have a great relationship we need to discover who we are and what exactly we are looking for in a partner.
Then we are armed in making great choices and not settling for bare minimum
Self esteem issues and fear of being alone can cause us to settle for true Janice. Sometimes we settle so much that we do not know what we want and do not recognize that we are settling.
And sometimes we don’t even realize when we’re not putting in the effort, when you get used to someone it’s easy to forget that lots of time and attention built the relationship and is also necessary to keep it. That’s why communication is so important.
Getting used to someone can cause things to turn sour in a relationship or friendship Clehys. It is almost like taking people for granted at times. We think they will always be there. We invest a lot of time and energy into a relationship when it just starts. Sometimes as we get comfortable we get laid back and do less than before.